Monday, March 1, 2010

my legacy

The time-frame of life is so short and brief that we cannot begin to comprehend its apparent quality of being finite. We live life as if it is a Rolex watch that will never stop, but that is unfortunately not the case. However, what does live forever, or at least beyond the years after our deaths, is the legacy that we leave behind. Just as unfortunate, I have two legacies in which I get to decide on imparting on the cloak of history. A heterosexual or homosexual impression.

It would be easy to just call it a day and out myself, but that would make light of the whole situation. There are a myriad of effects that would stem from the cause of claiming my homosexuality as a dominant attribute of who I am.

In my perfect rendering of life and what it should include, I desire the four-bedroom house; a master bedroom, a room for each of our two children, and an office/library. A perfectly manicured lawn with blossoming hydrangea bushes. A his and hers luxury car combination, both Lexus RX's (mine in black and her's in white). Two beautiful children, a boy then a girl. No pets. Extra curricular activities that would give the president a run for his money. And lastly, eternal happiness.

A dream right? But isn't that what is aspired by most?

Or else, I can be gay. Live vicariously through older, burly men who are fatally attractive and exude sexiness all over. Never have children because I would take into consideration the ridicule and torment the life of such an offspring would endure. Succumb to the vanity and sexual rage of the homosexual that I have become (secretly). Spend my days on Adam4Adam.com or scour the ads of Craigslist for the next conquest. Get passed around at bathhouses like a cheap whore. Etc., etc., etc.

I think ultimately, I want to find some quality in life that I can balance. I know that there will be a point where I will have to make a crucial decision that will decide the outcome of the rest of my life and predicate my legacy. That decision scares the living shit out of me. It makes me nauseous, sick, and absolutely desperate to get out of this whole involuntary experiment called life. My body is becoming unbearably uncomfortable as I write this and I want to just scream at the top of my lungs, to run away and make a decision that will not effect anyone, but me. Tears uncertain of where to fall, thoughts confused of where to go. Life is short; and inevitably, I will have to decide what will make me the happiest.

But what about those that have given me such a life?

In the movie, My Sister's Keeper, the young girl must decide whether to continue to live in the best interest of her dying sister or to be selfish with her own life. I feel that I too have make such an auspicious decision. To ensure the happiness of those who have brought me here, or to be selfish and ensure my happiness as an individual? There are no winners and losers, only people looking to make the most out of their short time here. The loser would be the one who makes the wrong decision and regrets his time on earth.

4 comments:

  1. sometimes i feel that way too.. so i suppose its okay and you're not alone. very unfortunate that being gay and out places a ton of stereotypes and misconceptions on you. i suppose i've been lucky so far, that the people that know have been supportive and free of such stereotypes.

    i have my personal envision for the future as well.. so far it doesn't seem to be shaping up to what I want it to be... but then at the same time, no one knows what can happen in the future, so we'll just see.

    do what we can and see.

    good luck, take care

    Ron

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  2. why does being gay automatically disqualify you from having any sort of normal life with the same trappings and happiness as anyone else?
    in my mind, the american dream was always someone being able to do whatever makes them happy.

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  3. just found your blog - coming from one who chose the dream life (perhaps against my better judgement but what can I do now?) - I don't see why you consider it impossible that I (or you) could be living this life with a man at my side as easily as with the woman that I chose

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  4. Your posts make me nuts. Your outlook on homosexual life is so negative. You see the worst of who you. Your very name of your blog reflects this outlook. Are you surrounded by hundreds of sneering homophobes every time you leave your home?

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