The hardest thing in my life is keeping my secret. The dark, dirty, indelible truth of being gay. As a result, one of the most pressing questions that I face every day is the paradigm of good and evil, righteousness and wrong. I know that I will never be able to advert my desires for the same sex, but is it universally moral to divulge in or act upon such desires? Growing up with a very religious background, I have come to question the true path to infinite glory.
Today, I met up with a nice gentleman I had met on Craigslist and we ended up hanging out, having some fun, then he invited me to take a bike ride with him to go grab a bite. Of course, I could not resist such a proposition so I hoped on a cruiser and followed his lead. It was a great ride on a perfect-cardigan-weather-type of a day and it was certainly nostalgic. We arrived at our destination when I realized that I had lost my wallet sometime on the way to the restaurant. In panic, we retraced our path, but it proved to be unfruitful. Being the agile personality that I am, I quickly resolved that its just another blip in the grand scheme of life and that it was nothing we could control; although I could have been smart and prevented it.
Well, after thinking about it some more, I could not help but stumble upon the unfortunate thought that maybe this is God punishing me for my wicked ways. In bible school as a child, we were taught that God does punish those who stray from His message and disobey His laws. Could that be the case for me? Am I being punished for the crimes I have committed against Him? I want to believe not, but what if the misfortunes of my life are the direct consequences of the negative decisions I have made everyday?
I want to believe that there is a loving God who is sympathetic to His children, but why would he be? At this point, I just desire knowledge and the wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong, to reveal what is absolute and unchangeable. To be the person that God has destined me to be.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
the ugly truth
I have never really believed in inconspicuous "messages" or "signals" scattered throughout life that some may believe to have a higher significance that we do not fully understand in the moment. That philosophy has slightly chipped away today.
Case 1:
I have recently begun a new position at work and now have quite a substantial number of associates of whom report to me. For some reason since my first week, I have not met this young lady. Meeting her for the first time today, I found her to be very personable, cheerful, and an all-around nice person. (Don't worry, I'm not crushing on her.) I casually greeted and chatted with her for a bit at first connection then quickly ran to something familiar. Later in the day, she garners my attention yet again and we break-out into trivial conversation. Then she asks,
"So, where do you go out normally?"
Taken aback for a moment, I was slightly shocked that another person had a sincere interest in my personal life. Reeling back to reality, it suddenly dawned on me that I do not really have a "normal hang-out destination." I unconsciously stutter before answering just to unconsciously show that I did not have an answer planned for such a random question. The primary cause of such delay is that I realized briefly that I do not have any regular friends. We have sudden spurts of socializing when birthdays come around, when someone from out-of-town visits, or I tag along to some other party that is happening, but never something that I would call regular.
Case 2:
This evening, I had the distinct pleasure of sitting at home, in my bed, watching television, eating dinner, by myself (relevance coming soon). Well, I was watching the hilarious show, Ugly Betty. Ironically, the main character in the show, undoubtedly Betty, found herself in the predicament of watching a television program at home alone while eating pasta. It just so happens that what she was watching on the television was a news story of a woman who had died in her own home for over a week only to be found with the television on, with a bowl of pasta, and all alone.
Relevance, check. It certainly is serendipitous when the t.v. program that you are watching shows a t.v. program that directly relates to your own life situation. In this case, I realized that I was fearful of the same fear that overcame Betty in watching that news broadcast. I would like to reiterate: I was watching t.v., eating dinner, at home, by myself watching a t.v. character eating dinner, at home, all by herself, watching a dead woman who was found watching t.v., eating dinner, and at home, all alone.
Conclusion:
I guess that it is easy to deduce that I certainly need to find some "regular" friends, develop some "regular" social habits, and fester around some "regular" communal destination. I certainly do not want to be found dead in my house with no one to find me until the pungent smell of my decaying corpse becomes so incessantly vile that my neighbors finally come over to check on my inhumane living conditions. Call for help, check.
Case 1:
I have recently begun a new position at work and now have quite a substantial number of associates of whom report to me. For some reason since my first week, I have not met this young lady. Meeting her for the first time today, I found her to be very personable, cheerful, and an all-around nice person. (Don't worry, I'm not crushing on her.) I casually greeted and chatted with her for a bit at first connection then quickly ran to something familiar. Later in the day, she garners my attention yet again and we break-out into trivial conversation. Then she asks,
"So, where do you go out normally?"
Taken aback for a moment, I was slightly shocked that another person had a sincere interest in my personal life. Reeling back to reality, it suddenly dawned on me that I do not really have a "normal hang-out destination." I unconsciously stutter before answering just to unconsciously show that I did not have an answer planned for such a random question. The primary cause of such delay is that I realized briefly that I do not have any regular friends. We have sudden spurts of socializing when birthdays come around, when someone from out-of-town visits, or I tag along to some other party that is happening, but never something that I would call regular.
Case 2:
This evening, I had the distinct pleasure of sitting at home, in my bed, watching television, eating dinner, by myself (relevance coming soon). Well, I was watching the hilarious show, Ugly Betty. Ironically, the main character in the show, undoubtedly Betty, found herself in the predicament of watching a television program at home alone while eating pasta. It just so happens that what she was watching on the television was a news story of a woman who had died in her own home for over a week only to be found with the television on, with a bowl of pasta, and all alone.
Relevance, check. It certainly is serendipitous when the t.v. program that you are watching shows a t.v. program that directly relates to your own life situation. In this case, I realized that I was fearful of the same fear that overcame Betty in watching that news broadcast. I would like to reiterate: I was watching t.v., eating dinner, at home, by myself watching a t.v. character eating dinner, at home, all by herself, watching a dead woman who was found watching t.v., eating dinner, and at home, all alone.
Conclusion:
I guess that it is easy to deduce that I certainly need to find some "regular" friends, develop some "regular" social habits, and fester around some "regular" communal destination. I certainly do not want to be found dead in my house with no one to find me until the pungent smell of my decaying corpse becomes so incessantly vile that my neighbors finally come over to check on my inhumane living conditions. Call for help, check.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
indescribable
It certainly has been some time since I have had, or made, time to blog. Over the past week or so, I have been so consumed in work with my new position and all (positive), but also, I have been reveling in my sexuality (negative).
About a week ago, I was perusing through Adam4Adam on my day off as I unfortunately do, I happened to recognize a familiar profile picture of which I have seen on other hooking-up sites. Nevertheless, I was at wits end and it was a very impressive picture. I finally initiated conversation and to make a long story short, I ended up having an afternoon hook-up with this athletic, muscular, tan, latin 42 year-old. He was slightly balding, but in the wizened, sexy way. He was muscular and tan from playing outdoor sports and getting dirty. He had a perfectly proportionate tool. We did the dirty and enjoyed each others' physiological attributes.
After such an endeavor, there is always the awkwardness of making conversation and feeling out whether or not to get the hell out or to stay and chat for a bit. Fortunately, he was a very personable human being and we chatted for a bit after.
He told me that he was once a proponent for the American Dream. The beautiful wife, three kids, a nice house, a cute dog, etc. But after ten years, he realized that he was still unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his condition. They eventually separated and now he is a closeted bisexual living vicariously through random hook-ups when ever he can get them.
It scares me the most to think that I am idly walking along that same path that he had been on. My current, ultimate desire is to have that same American Dream - a beautiful wife, two kids, a comfortable home, no pets, and a seemingly happy life. Because I have such uncontrolable feelings towards men, will I ever be able to reach such a peaceful nirvana? Or will I accumulate all of these trophies to realize later that it was all a waste and not what I was meant to have?
As a child of the first generation of Asian-Americans, I feel that it is my duty to live the life that my parents want for me because of what they had to sacrifice to get me here. I leave it up to my children to live the life that they want because everything has been set for them. But how long can I keep the show on? Is a lifetime long enough?
About a week ago, I was perusing through Adam4Adam on my day off as I unfortunately do, I happened to recognize a familiar profile picture of which I have seen on other hooking-up sites. Nevertheless, I was at wits end and it was a very impressive picture. I finally initiated conversation and to make a long story short, I ended up having an afternoon hook-up with this athletic, muscular, tan, latin 42 year-old. He was slightly balding, but in the wizened, sexy way. He was muscular and tan from playing outdoor sports and getting dirty. He had a perfectly proportionate tool. We did the dirty and enjoyed each others' physiological attributes.
After such an endeavor, there is always the awkwardness of making conversation and feeling out whether or not to get the hell out or to stay and chat for a bit. Fortunately, he was a very personable human being and we chatted for a bit after.
He told me that he was once a proponent for the American Dream. The beautiful wife, three kids, a nice house, a cute dog, etc. But after ten years, he realized that he was still unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his condition. They eventually separated and now he is a closeted bisexual living vicariously through random hook-ups when ever he can get them.
It scares me the most to think that I am idly walking along that same path that he had been on. My current, ultimate desire is to have that same American Dream - a beautiful wife, two kids, a comfortable home, no pets, and a seemingly happy life. Because I have such uncontrolable feelings towards men, will I ever be able to reach such a peaceful nirvana? Or will I accumulate all of these trophies to realize later that it was all a waste and not what I was meant to have?
As a child of the first generation of Asian-Americans, I feel that it is my duty to live the life that my parents want for me because of what they had to sacrifice to get me here. I leave it up to my children to live the life that they want because everything has been set for them. But how long can I keep the show on? Is a lifetime long enough?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, December 11, 2009
star struck
As serendipitous as life may be, I must say that I have run into 2 pornstars in my life.
The first was a long time ago at an Anaheim hotel. Apparently, there was a body building competition being hosted at the hotel and while I was walking in, this huge, buff, beautiful man was walking towards me. I could only stare at the gorgeous hunk, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I had seem him before. I cannot remember his name at this time, but once I find it, I will certainly update this post. After some intense digging, I realized that he is the perfectly sculpted Nate Christianson. Gorgeous is the only word to adequately describe this adonis.
The second was just this past week. I happened to just be working and standing on the salesfloor when this young, cute, latino stud approached me and my manager and asked us for the restaurant. I immediately directed him upstairs to the cafe without a second glance. Later, he and his mother, I presume, finished lunch and headed to the restrooms on my floor. As his mother was using the facilities, he was wandering around while I was just staring at him from afar. Granted I am not a stalker, but I was certain that I had seen this hotty before.
With some research, I have found him. Apparently, his name is AJ Irons on MikeHancock.com (or Fabian on DirtyTony.com). Check him out because he is quite the stud. I am so sad to have missed the opportunity to be up close and personal with someone so famous. ;)
The first was a long time ago at an Anaheim hotel. Apparently, there was a body building competition being hosted at the hotel and while I was walking in, this huge, buff, beautiful man was walking towards me. I could only stare at the gorgeous hunk, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I had seem him before. I cannot remember his name at this time, but once I find it, I will certainly update this post. After some intense digging, I realized that he is the perfectly sculpted Nate Christianson. Gorgeous is the only word to adequately describe this adonis.
The second was just this past week. I happened to just be working and standing on the salesfloor when this young, cute, latino stud approached me and my manager and asked us for the restaurant. I immediately directed him upstairs to the cafe without a second glance. Later, he and his mother, I presume, finished lunch and headed to the restrooms on my floor. As his mother was using the facilities, he was wandering around while I was just staring at him from afar. Granted I am not a stalker, but I was certain that I had seen this hotty before.With some research, I have found him. Apparently, his name is AJ Irons on MikeHancock.com (or Fabian on DirtyTony.com). Check him out because he is quite the stud. I am so sad to have missed the opportunity to be up close and personal with someone so famous. ;)
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
bromance
One of the most difficult things about being gay for me is that I cannot (or it is very difficult) have a normal "friend" relationship with another male. Whether that potential candidate be heterosexual or homosexual, there is always a sense of awkwardness that accompanies such involvement. I will be referencing various situations as presented in the FOX series GLEE as visuals to my arguments. The inspiration for this blog is the eternal longing for a healthy and natural male-and-male friendship; or as Brodie Jenner calls it - a bromance.
First, in a bromance with a heterosexual male, there is always the desperate inclination to have a crush on him. In the show, the overly-designer-clothed teenager gradually develops a crush on the school quarterback (also in the club) to the point that they share facial cleansing tips in the locker room. In last night's episode, he told the young scarlet (who is also madly in love with the quarterback) that what they want is never going to happen and that the sooner they realize that fact, the better. I feel that with a friendship with a heterosexual, I will always look to those characteristics that I desire most and unfortunately, that puts the friend on such a pedestal that will make me fall head over heels (figuratively of course) for him. I have met some pretty cool guys in the past, but when is a good time to ask for his phone number (or is it even appropriate)? When and where is a good place to hang out? Will he find this awkward? What do we do when we are together? Alone? What do we talk about? What do we do?
From my experiences in the past, I would just be admiring his innocent charm, aesthetic cuteness, sexy buzzed hair, and great conversation. I would then become paralyzed by the insecurities of initiating follow-up and eventually miss on the unique opportunity to make a great friend.
Second, in a bromance with a gay male, there is always the snobbery of finding a hotter, sexier, cuter guy. (This is one of the things that I hate most about the gay community, but that is a whole other blog entirely.) Also, there is the whole spectrum of gay guys out there. The butch, twinks, fems, daddies, nasties, ugly, old, hot, young, etc. There are so many out there, but unfortunately that is not the problem with having a gay bromance. What scares me the most is the association. Being extremely closeted, I feel that by hanging out with a gay guy thus makes me one as well. The quarterback faced the public humiliation of association because he was spending so much time with the club and its gay-member. Personally, I already have such a hard enough time defending my current sexuality, that a gay bromance would make it so much more unbearable.
Aside, most of the gays that I have met thus far have been deficient in some way. For the ost part, the guys that I have met off the internet have not be up to par with the standards of establishing such a relationship with. By being closeted, I scare myself into apprehension; thus, limiting my ability to meet quality guys out there who I would like to have a bromance with.
So as you can conclude, I do not have many male friends that I would consider myself close to. I am searching for that balance and the ability to have a male friend, but I guess I need to do a little self-changing and grow some courage to reach out.
So if your out there, wanna have a bromance?
(Photo courtesty of Scott Schuman, The Sartorialist)
Monday, December 7, 2009
me, unplugged
So I do not really know what I want to achieve through this endeavor, but I think I need a place to vent what is on my mind so that I can possibly move on and live, what seems, a normal life. However, the events, consequences, and situations that I get into are an effect of who I am as a human being. Therefore, it is necessary to know a little about me, up to this point in time, to understand the stories I intend to share soon after.
I'm a 23 year-old college graduate with a bachelor's degree in Business Administration, Marketing who currently still lives at home (with the family) and works full-time in the luxury retail industry. I realized that I have an sexual inclination towards other male peers when I was around 14 years-old. I was so shy and embarrassed that when it came to p.e. in my freshman year of high school, I would have to run to the bathroom stall to privately change into my gym shorts and tee while the rest of the class was undoing themselves in front of each other in the locker room.
I love everything pertaining to art, fashion, and music; which may be where others have categorized my sexual orientation. However, I also do love physical activities such as long-distance running, hitting the weights, and playing almost any recreational sport (for fun, I do not like to compete aggressively). I feel that I teeter more towards the artsy-side rather than the physical; thus leading people to conclude about my sexuality.
I think that I'm a normal guy with a natural fixation towards beauty and luxury in a very dark, and ugly world.
I'm a 23 year-old college graduate with a bachelor's degree in Business Administration, Marketing who currently still lives at home (with the family) and works full-time in the luxury retail industry. I realized that I have an sexual inclination towards other male peers when I was around 14 years-old. I was so shy and embarrassed that when it came to p.e. in my freshman year of high school, I would have to run to the bathroom stall to privately change into my gym shorts and tee while the rest of the class was undoing themselves in front of each other in the locker room.
I love everything pertaining to art, fashion, and music; which may be where others have categorized my sexual orientation. However, I also do love physical activities such as long-distance running, hitting the weights, and playing almost any recreational sport (for fun, I do not like to compete aggressively). I feel that I teeter more towards the artsy-side rather than the physical; thus leading people to conclude about my sexuality.
I think that I'm a normal guy with a natural fixation towards beauty and luxury in a very dark, and ugly world.
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