Sunday, February 21, 2010

its dark and lonely

The hardest thing in my life is keeping my secret. The dark, dirty, indelible truth of being gay. As a result, one of the most pressing questions that I face every day is the paradigm of good and evil, righteousness and wrong. I know that I will never be able to advert my desires for the same sex, but is it universally moral to divulge in or act upon such desires? Growing up with a very religious background, I have come to question the true path to infinite glory.

Today, I met up with a nice gentleman I had met on Craigslist and we ended up hanging out, having some fun, then he invited me to take a bike ride with him to go grab a bite. Of course, I could not resist such a proposition so I hoped on a cruiser and followed his lead. It was a great ride on a perfect-cardigan-weather-type of a day and it was certainly nostalgic. We arrived at our destination when I realized that I had lost my wallet sometime on the way to the restaurant. In panic, we retraced our path, but it proved to be unfruitful. Being the agile personality that I am, I quickly resolved that its just another blip in the grand scheme of life and that it was nothing we could control; although I could have been smart and prevented it.

Well, after thinking about it some more, I could not help but stumble upon the unfortunate thought that maybe this is God punishing me for my wicked ways. In bible school as a child, we were taught that God does punish those who stray from His message and disobey His laws. Could that be the case for me? Am I being punished for the crimes I have committed against Him? I want to believe not, but what if the misfortunes of my life are the direct consequences of the negative decisions I have made everyday?

I want to believe that there is a loving God who is sympathetic to His children, but why would he be? At this point, I just desire knowledge and the wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong, to reveal what is absolute and unchangeable. To be the person that God has destined me to be.