Sunday, February 21, 2010

its dark and lonely

The hardest thing in my life is keeping my secret. The dark, dirty, indelible truth of being gay. As a result, one of the most pressing questions that I face every day is the paradigm of good and evil, righteousness and wrong. I know that I will never be able to advert my desires for the same sex, but is it universally moral to divulge in or act upon such desires? Growing up with a very religious background, I have come to question the true path to infinite glory.

Today, I met up with a nice gentleman I had met on Craigslist and we ended up hanging out, having some fun, then he invited me to take a bike ride with him to go grab a bite. Of course, I could not resist such a proposition so I hoped on a cruiser and followed his lead. It was a great ride on a perfect-cardigan-weather-type of a day and it was certainly nostalgic. We arrived at our destination when I realized that I had lost my wallet sometime on the way to the restaurant. In panic, we retraced our path, but it proved to be unfruitful. Being the agile personality that I am, I quickly resolved that its just another blip in the grand scheme of life and that it was nothing we could control; although I could have been smart and prevented it.

Well, after thinking about it some more, I could not help but stumble upon the unfortunate thought that maybe this is God punishing me for my wicked ways. In bible school as a child, we were taught that God does punish those who stray from His message and disobey His laws. Could that be the case for me? Am I being punished for the crimes I have committed against Him? I want to believe not, but what if the misfortunes of my life are the direct consequences of the negative decisions I have made everyday?

I want to believe that there is a loving God who is sympathetic to His children, but why would he be? At this point, I just desire knowledge and the wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong, to reveal what is absolute and unchangeable. To be the person that God has destined me to be.


  1. Just because you lost your wallet doesn't mean that God did it. If it happened every time you went out for a date, then maybe...just maybe....
    But why would gay be a bad thing since it isn't a choice but what God made you to be. Who is to blame for their sexual orientation? not u....then who?
    Besides, religion is still evolving....
    Buddy, I'm gay too and I'm christian...boy oh boy was I born in a hardcore christian family. Read revelation 21:8
    8 “But cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the immoral, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers, and all liars—their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.” which means we the homosexuals are not on the "burn in the lake of fire" list. Hope this helps.

  2. If you want to come this vid. PLEASE!~thanks


    You are so gay and homophobic, I can't believe your rambling. Stop with the pathetic need to be heterosexual. you only live life once and living a lie is just silliness. Is it religion that has caused your perverted views? I feel sorry for you.

  4. Stories are important to many people because it serves to explain the (temporarily or inherently) unexplainable. Perhaps the author's story regarding the wallet was not so much about loss and divine punishment as it was about a psychological disposition to have some kind of story, or grand narrative, to explain why he feels that bad things are always happening to him. It could have been because of anything else, as long as there was that explanation.

    Nevertheless, to the author, I hope you realize soon (if not already) that there is no God and that there is nothing wrong about you being a homosexual. Indeed, there are trials that come about from being gay (e.g. coming out, dealing with crimes of hate, etc.) that others do not have to deal with, but there's no need to postulate that these inflictions are somehow a part of the universe's or God's design, unalterable for all of your existence. By recognizing that this prejudice against your sexual attraction is actually a product of malleable, finite, and human beliefs, institutions, and laws, you can actually make progress in accepting yourself and having yourself accepted by questioning and challenging those things.

  5. Read the god delusion honey, it will turn your life around.

  6. I'm writing a rather long time after your post, but I went through a long time of trying to change myself, and finally got over it when I realized that other than having it drummed into me (and perhaps wanting the approval of the people in my church, and fearing the rejection of others), I had absolutely no idea why being attracted to a member of the same sex was somehow inherently "wrong."

    However I can definitely see why a small tribe of people intent on taking over lands and needing to wipe entire peoples in the process would need lots of male children to be soldiers. Gay relationships certainly don't produce babies. Neither does coitus interruptus, for which our friend Onan was killed by God.

    If God was really so upset by coitus interruptus, then why is it that Onan was the last person he ever offed for it? Why do evil people like Pat Robertson so desperately need to believe in a God that would kill innocent children with an earthquake in Haiti?

    The God that gets his panties in a wad because some 14 year-old in Akron, Ohio masturbates, is the God of a person who gets his panties in a wad when a kid masturbates. The God who would condemn a person to eternal torture for having feelings (never chosen) for the same sex, is the god of a person who has been taught to fear and/or hate homosexuality.

    You need to learn to question your beliefs, ask why, outside of having been told them when you were too young to think critically, you believe them. Because there are a million people out there, believing all sorts of nonsense, and every one of them is dead sure they're right. Shiites, Sunnis, Catholics, Baptists, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses...some are willing to kill over it. And not a single one of them has any proof other than their book that says it's right.

    Don't fritter away your life in angst over the person you are. Get out there, enjoy life, remember the Golden Rule, and take care of yourself.

  7. BTW you can read a piece I wrote on my own struggle to deal with sexuality here:

  8. maybe being gay isnt just about if your going to hell because of how you turned out. its more like living a life in which god has blessed you because hes telling you your meant for more than a simple life with a wife and kids, and to actually do something instead of worrying all the time about something that is not even a problem, if your gay, it means that its your journey to find the answer of why this fragile world chose you too make a difference, be gay but not proud of yourslef, but proud of god for giving you life to experience these wonderful things :)

    1. "be gay but not proud of yourslef" that's weird. why would you be proud or not proud because of something like being gay? that's nothing you did or did not achieved. that's like being proud about your nationality or hair colour. there is no sensible connection between it

  9. you can make it! search integrity. it doesn't necessarily mean to go 100% this way or the other. it means that you need to be able to live with your decisions.

    and god has nothing to do with your wallet or with your sex

    thanks for your story!

  10. listen dude. God would not have made people gay if he didn't like homosexuality. If you need affirmation of this google the near-death experiences of lgbt individuals and note that they weren't all (or mostly) condemned to experience eternity in hell. What if your truth isn't dark or dirty (since we've established it's indelible)? What if your truth is merely an obstacle you were meant to overcome? What if the potential exists for you to be an inspiration and example to others? Do you want to waste it on melancholy and fear? If you want an "indelible" truth, I will give it to you: You are gay; You have the potential to be an awesome and giving person. Your sexual preference does not diminish that, and it probably isn't an issue! I believe that God, who never claimed his word is inerrantly expressed in the Bible (read about this), put lgbt individuals on this earth so that others may grow and learn in love (by separating the issue of character from the issue of impersonal obedience). I am nowhere near God's perfection, but I try to live in a sexually and spiritually modest fashion. Why? Because I know I am a part of God's love and creation of "imperfection" (a purely human notion, obviously). In his imperfection, the opportunity for love is manifested. As are you. You are a being who has been presented with enormous challenge. Will you do everything you know you can to educate yourself and further the hopes and dreams of people born into the same situation? Will you take it upon yourself to give the others the happiness and joy they may not have been blessed with the opportunity to access? Or will you just pity yourself? I hope you were blessed with the capability to realize that you can have an awesome life as a gay man! You can enjoy your life WHILE understanding and advocating for the cause our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ DIED for. It's a matter of choosing.