Friday, December 11, 2009

star struck

As serendipitous as life may be, I must say that I have run into 2 pornstars in my life.

The first was a long time ago at an Anaheim hotel. Apparently, there was a body building competition being hosted at the hotel and while I was walking in, this huge, buff, beautiful man was walking towards me. I could only stare at the gorgeous hunk, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I had seem him before. I cannot remember his name at this time, but once I find it, I will certainly update this post. After some intense digging, I realized that he is the perfectly sculpted Nate Christianson. Gorgeous is the only word to adequately describe this adonis.

The second was just this past week. I happened to just be working and standing on the salesfloor when this young, cute, latino stud approached me and my manager and asked us for the restaurant. I immediately directed him upstairs to the cafe without a second glance. Later, he and his mother, I presume, finished lunch and headed to the restrooms on my floor. As his mother was using the facilities, he was wandering around while I was just staring at him from afar. Granted I am not a stalker, but I was certain that I had seen this hotty before.

With some research, I have found him. Apparently, his name is AJ Irons on (or Fabian on Check him out because he is quite the stud. I am so sad to have missed the opportunity to be up close and personal with someone so famous. ;)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


One of the most difficult things about being gay for me is that I cannot (or it is very difficult) have a normal "friend" relationship with another male. Whether that potential candidate be heterosexual or homosexual, there is always a sense of awkwardness that accompanies such involvement. I will be referencing various situations as presented in the FOX series GLEE as visuals to my arguments. The inspiration for this blog is the eternal longing for a healthy and natural male-and-male friendship; or as Brodie Jenner calls it - a bromance.

First, in a bromance with a heterosexual male, there is always the desperate inclination to have a crush on him. In the show, the overly-designer-clothed teenager gradually develops a crush on the school quarterback (also in the club) to the point that they share facial cleansing tips in the locker room. In last night's episode, he told the young scarlet (who is also madly in love with the quarterback) that what they want is never going to happen and that the sooner they realize that fact, the better. I feel that with a friendship with a heterosexual, I will always look to those characteristics that I desire most and unfortunately, that puts the friend on such a pedestal that will make me fall head over heels (figuratively of course) for him. I have met some pretty cool guys in the past, but when is a good time to ask for his phone number (or is it even appropriate)? When and where is a good place to hang out? Will he find this awkward? What do we do when we are together? Alone? What do we talk about? What do we do?

From my experiences in the past, I would just be admiring his innocent charm, aesthetic cuteness, sexy buzzed hair, and great conversation. I would then become paralyzed by the insecurities of initiating follow-up and eventually miss on the unique opportunity to make a great friend.

Second, in a bromance with a gay male, there is always the snobbery of finding a hotter, sexier, cuter guy. (This is one of the things that I hate most about the gay community, but that is a whole other blog entirely.) Also, there is the whole spectrum of gay guys out there. The butch, twinks, fems, daddies, nasties, ugly, old, hot, young, etc. There are so many out there, but unfortunately that is not the problem with having a gay bromance. What scares me the most is the association. Being extremely closeted, I feel that by hanging out with a gay guy thus makes me one as well. The quarterback faced the public humiliation of association because he was spending so much time with the club and its gay-member. Personally, I already have such a hard enough time defending my current sexuality, that a gay bromance would make it so much more unbearable.

Aside, most of the gays that I have met thus far have been deficient in some way. For the ost part, the guys that I have met off the internet have not be up to par with the standards of establishing such a relationship with. By being closeted, I scare myself into apprehension; thus, limiting my ability to meet quality guys out there who I would like to have a bromance with.

So as you can conclude, I do not have many male friends that I would consider myself close to. I am searching for that balance and the ability to have a male friend, but I guess I need to do a little self-changing and grow some courage to reach out.
So if your out there, wanna have a bromance?

(Photo courtesty of Scott Schuman, The Sartorialist)

Monday, December 7, 2009

me, unplugged

So I do not really know what I want to achieve through this endeavor, but I think I need a place to vent what is on my mind so that I can possibly move on and live, what seems, a normal life. However, the events, consequences, and situations that I get into are an effect of who I am as a human being. Therefore, it is necessary to know a little about me, up to this point in time, to understand the stories I intend to share soon after.

I'm a 23 year-old college graduate with a bachelor's degree in Business Administration, Marketing who currently still lives at home (with the family) and works full-time in the luxury retail industry. I realized that I have an sexual inclination towards other male peers when I was around 14 years-old. I was so shy and embarrassed that when it came to p.e. in my freshman year of high school, I would have to run to the bathroom stall to privately change into my gym shorts and tee while the rest of the class was undoing themselves in front of each other in the locker room.

I love everything pertaining to art, fashion, and music; which may be where others have categorized my sexual orientation. However, I also do love physical activities such as long-distance running, hitting the weights, and playing almost any recreational sport (for fun, I do not like to compete aggressively). I feel that I teeter more towards the artsy-side rather than the physical; thus leading people to conclude about my sexuality.

I think that I'm a normal guy with a natural fixation towards beauty and luxury in a very dark, and ugly world.

Greetings from the bubble.

This blog is intended to chronicle the challenges, achievements, frustrations, excitement, adventures, rants, and ravings of a closeted homosexual twenty-something Asian male living in the heart of the bubble - Orange County.

In other words, I just want to express those things that I do not dare speak freely of - for now.

fuck, i'm gay. The title of this blog is the stark (thus the superlative), personal (signifying the I), and individual realization (of being gay) that although it is not something I "prefer" to be, it is just how it is and something that I have to deal with everyday for the rest of my life.

Love me, Hate me, I wanna hear about it, so please do comment whatever comes to mind.

Thank you and enjoy.