Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the ugly truth

I have never really believed in inconspicuous "messages" or "signals" scattered throughout life that some may believe to have a higher significance that we do not fully understand in the moment. That philosophy has slightly chipped away today.

Case 1:

I have recently begun a new position at work and now have quite a substantial number of associates of whom report to me. For some reason since my first week, I have not met this young lady. Meeting her for the first time today, I found her to be very personable, cheerful, and an all-around nice person. (Don't worry, I'm not crushing on her.) I casually greeted and chatted with her for a bit at first connection then quickly ran to something familiar. Later in the day, she garners my attention yet again and we break-out into trivial conversation. Then she asks,

"So, where do you go out normally?"

Taken aback for a moment, I was slightly shocked that another person had a sincere interest in my personal life. Reeling back to reality, it suddenly dawned on me that I do not really have a "normal hang-out destination." I unconsciously stutter before answering just to unconsciously show that I did not have an answer planned for such a random question. The primary cause of such delay is that I realized briefly that I do not have any regular friends. We have sudden spurts of socializing when birthdays come around, when someone from out-of-town visits, or I tag along to some other party that is happening, but never something that I would call regular.

Case 2:

This evening, I had the distinct pleasure of sitting at home, in my bed, watching television, eating dinner, by myself (relevance coming soon). Well, I was watching the hilarious show, Ugly Betty. Ironically, the main character in the show, undoubtedly Betty, found herself in the predicament of watching a television program at home alone while eating pasta. It just so happens that what she was watching on the television was a news story of a woman who had died in her own home for over a week only to be found with the television on, with a bowl of pasta, and all alone.

Relevance, check. It certainly is serendipitous when the t.v. program that you are watching shows a t.v. program that directly relates to your own life situation. In this case, I realized that I was fearful of the same fear that overcame Betty in watching that news broadcast. I would like to reiterate: I was watching t.v., eating dinner, at home, by myself watching a t.v. character eating dinner, at home, all by herself, watching a dead woman who was found watching t.v., eating dinner, and at home, all alone.

Conclusion:

I guess that it is easy to deduce that I certainly need to find some "regular" friends, develop some "regular" social habits, and fester around some "regular" communal destination. I certainly do not want to be found dead in my house with no one to find me until the pungent smell of my decaying corpse becomes so incessantly vile that my neighbors finally come over to check on my inhumane living conditions. Call for help, check.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

indescribable

It certainly has been some time since I have had, or made, time to blog. Over the past week or so, I have been so consumed in work with my new position and all (positive), but also, I have been reveling in my sexuality (negative).

About a week ago, I was perusing through Adam4Adam on my day off as I unfortunately do, I happened to recognize a familiar profile picture of which I have seen on other hooking-up sites. Nevertheless, I was at wits end and it was a very impressive picture. I finally initiated conversation and to make a long story short, I ended up having an afternoon hook-up with this athletic, muscular, tan, latin 42 year-old. He was slightly balding, but in the wizened, sexy way. He was muscular and tan from playing outdoor sports and getting dirty. He had a perfectly proportionate tool. We did the dirty and enjoyed each others' physiological attributes.

After such an endeavor, there is always the awkwardness of making conversation and feeling out whether or not to get the hell out or to stay and chat for a bit. Fortunately, he was a very personable human being and we chatted for a bit after.

He told me that he was once a proponent for the American Dream. The beautiful wife, three kids, a nice house, a cute dog, etc. But after ten years, he realized that he was still unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his condition. They eventually separated and now he is a closeted bisexual living vicariously through random hook-ups when ever he can get them.

It scares me the most to think that I am idly walking along that same path that he had been on. My current, ultimate desire is to have that same American Dream - a beautiful wife, two kids, a comfortable home, no pets, and a seemingly happy life. Because I have such uncontrolable feelings towards men, will I ever be able to reach such a peaceful nirvana? Or will I accumulate all of these trophies to realize later that it was all a waste and not what I was meant to have?

As a child of the first generation of Asian-Americans, I feel that it is my duty to live the life that my parents want for me because of what they had to sacrifice to get me here. I leave it up to my children to live the life that they want because everything has been set for them. But how long can I keep the show on? Is a lifetime long enough?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

out of my mind

I think it is safe to say that it is very sad, pathetic, and lonely that someone would spend countless hours on the internet perusing through personal ads and scrounging the web for something/someone arousing. Well, that certainly is what I feel like my life has gone to. I think that I seriously have a sexual addiction problem, but do not know the first thing to do to combat such an infatuation with sex.

Honestly, I stay up late jerking to hot porn, click through all the hot profiles on Adam4adam.com, and think about sex twenty billion times a day. I guess it is a known fact that men think of sex such stated amount each day, but when it becomes pervasive on my normal functioning, I think that there is a problem.

I don't get as much done, I am always tired, and most importantly, I am never satisfied.

It is especially more difficult being closeted. I have to sneak around, make up lies, and shield my screen from those who live around me. It is difficult to lead two lives completely separated, yet entirely effected by each other.

I want to get over my addiction, however, I do not know where to begin.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!