Monday, March 29, 2010

"will you hold my hand like it's the end of the world?"...

Is it so hard to find someone who wants to...

...cuddle in bed with after a long day?

...share communal fries with at In-N-Out?

...text "i miss you" to?

...have awkward moments with?

...feel each others' hands like we've never seen one before?

...check each other out at the gym?

...give a real critique of underwear selection?

...run away for a weekend, just to get away?

...be a real friend?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

heart for love


I ripped this video off of http://dpstam.blogspot.com/
, but what an amazing song. He has certainly romanced me.


I have heard that romance is only for those who are poor. Well, I am neither rich nor poor, but I desperately believe in romance.

I believe that romance is, more importantly, the attainment of something that we hold most dearly and precious to our own personal existence. We are romanced by fragrances, movies, actions, images, thoughts, etc. There is no distinct definition for romance, but the existential belief that it exists in a materialistic world.

Closest to my heart is the romance of love, belonging, etc. There are so many, yet so little, words to describe the realism of romance for me. Sunday picnics at the park, bike rides during sunset, candle lit dinners across a table just wide enough for fingers to touch. Those are just some of the many things (I cannot think of a better word than "things") that encapsulate the fantasy of romance.

Cuddling in bed, legs intertwined, skin touching skin, hairs brushing past each other. (Notice not the mention of sex.) Romance is the embrace of nothing but what is the most basic necessity of living. And that is to love and be loved in the most affectionate way.

I am getting goose bumps as I write this, but that just goes to show the power and depth of romance. People say that romance is dead. I say that they have not found what romances them, yet.

Monday, March 1, 2010

my legacy

The time-frame of life is so short and brief that we cannot begin to comprehend its apparent quality of being finite. We live life as if it is a Rolex watch that will never stop, but that is unfortunately not the case. However, what does live forever, or at least beyond the years after our deaths, is the legacy that we leave behind. Just as unfortunate, I have two legacies in which I get to decide on imparting on the cloak of history. A heterosexual or homosexual impression.

It would be easy to just call it a day and out myself, but that would make light of the whole situation. There are a myriad of effects that would stem from the cause of claiming my homosexuality as a dominant attribute of who I am.

In my perfect rendering of life and what it should include, I desire the four-bedroom house; a master bedroom, a room for each of our two children, and an office/library. A perfectly manicured lawn with blossoming hydrangea bushes. A his and hers luxury car combination, both Lexus RX's (mine in black and her's in white). Two beautiful children, a boy then a girl. No pets. Extra curricular activities that would give the president a run for his money. And lastly, eternal happiness.

A dream right? But isn't that what is aspired by most?

Or else, I can be gay. Live vicariously through older, burly men who are fatally attractive and exude sexiness all over. Never have children because I would take into consideration the ridicule and torment the life of such an offspring would endure. Succumb to the vanity and sexual rage of the homosexual that I have become (secretly). Spend my days on Adam4Adam.com or scour the ads of Craigslist for the next conquest. Get passed around at bathhouses like a cheap whore. Etc., etc., etc.

I think ultimately, I want to find some quality in life that I can balance. I know that there will be a point where I will have to make a crucial decision that will decide the outcome of the rest of my life and predicate my legacy. That decision scares the living shit out of me. It makes me nauseous, sick, and absolutely desperate to get out of this whole involuntary experiment called life. My body is becoming unbearably uncomfortable as I write this and I want to just scream at the top of my lungs, to run away and make a decision that will not effect anyone, but me. Tears uncertain of where to fall, thoughts confused of where to go. Life is short; and inevitably, I will have to decide what will make me the happiest.

But what about those that have given me such a life?

In the movie, My Sister's Keeper, the young girl must decide whether to continue to live in the best interest of her dying sister or to be selfish with her own life. I feel that I too have make such an auspicious decision. To ensure the happiness of those who have brought me here, or to be selfish and ensure my happiness as an individual? There are no winners and losers, only people looking to make the most out of their short time here. The loser would be the one who makes the wrong decision and regrets his time on earth.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

its dark and lonely

The hardest thing in my life is keeping my secret. The dark, dirty, indelible truth of being gay. As a result, one of the most pressing questions that I face every day is the paradigm of good and evil, righteousness and wrong. I know that I will never be able to advert my desires for the same sex, but is it universally moral to divulge in or act upon such desires? Growing up with a very religious background, I have come to question the true path to infinite glory.

Today, I met up with a nice gentleman I had met on Craigslist and we ended up hanging out, having some fun, then he invited me to take a bike ride with him to go grab a bite. Of course, I could not resist such a proposition so I hoped on a cruiser and followed his lead. It was a great ride on a perfect-cardigan-weather-type of a day and it was certainly nostalgic. We arrived at our destination when I realized that I had lost my wallet sometime on the way to the restaurant. In panic, we retraced our path, but it proved to be unfruitful. Being the agile personality that I am, I quickly resolved that its just another blip in the grand scheme of life and that it was nothing we could control; although I could have been smart and prevented it.

Well, after thinking about it some more, I could not help but stumble upon the unfortunate thought that maybe this is God punishing me for my wicked ways. In bible school as a child, we were taught that God does punish those who stray from His message and disobey His laws. Could that be the case for me? Am I being punished for the crimes I have committed against Him? I want to believe not, but what if the misfortunes of my life are the direct consequences of the negative decisions I have made everyday?

I want to believe that there is a loving God who is sympathetic to His children, but why would he be? At this point, I just desire knowledge and the wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong, to reveal what is absolute and unchangeable. To be the person that God has destined me to be.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the ugly truth

I have never really believed in inconspicuous "messages" or "signals" scattered throughout life that some may believe to have a higher significance that we do not fully understand in the moment. That philosophy has slightly chipped away today.

Case 1:

I have recently begun a new position at work and now have quite a substantial number of associates of whom report to me. For some reason since my first week, I have not met this young lady. Meeting her for the first time today, I found her to be very personable, cheerful, and an all-around nice person. (Don't worry, I'm not crushing on her.) I casually greeted and chatted with her for a bit at first connection then quickly ran to something familiar. Later in the day, she garners my attention yet again and we break-out into trivial conversation. Then she asks,

"So, where do you go out normally?"

Taken aback for a moment, I was slightly shocked that another person had a sincere interest in my personal life. Reeling back to reality, it suddenly dawned on me that I do not really have a "normal hang-out destination." I unconsciously stutter before answering just to unconsciously show that I did not have an answer planned for such a random question. The primary cause of such delay is that I realized briefly that I do not have any regular friends. We have sudden spurts of socializing when birthdays come around, when someone from out-of-town visits, or I tag along to some other party that is happening, but never something that I would call regular.

Case 2:

This evening, I had the distinct pleasure of sitting at home, in my bed, watching television, eating dinner, by myself (relevance coming soon). Well, I was watching the hilarious show, Ugly Betty. Ironically, the main character in the show, undoubtedly Betty, found herself in the predicament of watching a television program at home alone while eating pasta. It just so happens that what she was watching on the television was a news story of a woman who had died in her own home for over a week only to be found with the television on, with a bowl of pasta, and all alone.

Relevance, check. It certainly is serendipitous when the t.v. program that you are watching shows a t.v. program that directly relates to your own life situation. In this case, I realized that I was fearful of the same fear that overcame Betty in watching that news broadcast. I would like to reiterate: I was watching t.v., eating dinner, at home, by myself watching a t.v. character eating dinner, at home, all by herself, watching a dead woman who was found watching t.v., eating dinner, and at home, all alone.

Conclusion:

I guess that it is easy to deduce that I certainly need to find some "regular" friends, develop some "regular" social habits, and fester around some "regular" communal destination. I certainly do not want to be found dead in my house with no one to find me until the pungent smell of my decaying corpse becomes so incessantly vile that my neighbors finally come over to check on my inhumane living conditions. Call for help, check.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

indescribable

It certainly has been some time since I have had, or made, time to blog. Over the past week or so, I have been so consumed in work with my new position and all (positive), but also, I have been reveling in my sexuality (negative).

About a week ago, I was perusing through Adam4Adam on my day off as I unfortunately do, I happened to recognize a familiar profile picture of which I have seen on other hooking-up sites. Nevertheless, I was at wits end and it was a very impressive picture. I finally initiated conversation and to make a long story short, I ended up having an afternoon hook-up with this athletic, muscular, tan, latin 42 year-old. He was slightly balding, but in the wizened, sexy way. He was muscular and tan from playing outdoor sports and getting dirty. He had a perfectly proportionate tool. We did the dirty and enjoyed each others' physiological attributes.

After such an endeavor, there is always the awkwardness of making conversation and feeling out whether or not to get the hell out or to stay and chat for a bit. Fortunately, he was a very personable human being and we chatted for a bit after.

He told me that he was once a proponent for the American Dream. The beautiful wife, three kids, a nice house, a cute dog, etc. But after ten years, he realized that he was still unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his condition. They eventually separated and now he is a closeted bisexual living vicariously through random hook-ups when ever he can get them.

It scares me the most to think that I am idly walking along that same path that he had been on. My current, ultimate desire is to have that same American Dream - a beautiful wife, two kids, a comfortable home, no pets, and a seemingly happy life. Because I have such uncontrolable feelings towards men, will I ever be able to reach such a peaceful nirvana? Or will I accumulate all of these trophies to realize later that it was all a waste and not what I was meant to have?

As a child of the first generation of Asian-Americans, I feel that it is my duty to live the life that my parents want for me because of what they had to sacrifice to get me here. I leave it up to my children to live the life that they want because everything has been set for them. But how long can I keep the show on? Is a lifetime long enough?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

out of my mind

I think it is safe to say that it is very sad, pathetic, and lonely that someone would spend countless hours on the internet perusing through personal ads and scrounging the web for something/someone arousing. Well, that certainly is what I feel like my life has gone to. I think that I seriously have a sexual addiction problem, but do not know the first thing to do to combat such an infatuation with sex.

Honestly, I stay up late jerking to hot porn, click through all the hot profiles on Adam4adam.com, and think about sex twenty billion times a day. I guess it is a known fact that men think of sex such stated amount each day, but when it becomes pervasive on my normal functioning, I think that there is a problem.

I don't get as much done, I am always tired, and most importantly, I am never satisfied.

It is especially more difficult being closeted. I have to sneak around, make up lies, and shield my screen from those who live around me. It is difficult to lead two lives completely separated, yet entirely effected by each other.

I want to get over my addiction, however, I do not know where to begin.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!