Monday, March 29, 2010

"will you hold my hand like it's the end of the world?"...

Is it so hard to find someone who wants to...

...cuddle in bed with after a long day?

...share communal fries with at In-N-Out?

...text "i miss you" to?

...have awkward moments with?

...feel each others' hands like we've never seen one before?

...check each other out at the gym?

...give a real critique of underwear selection? away for a weekend, just to get away? a real friend?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

heart for love

I ripped this video off of
, but what an amazing song. He has certainly romanced me.

I have heard that romance is only for those who are poor. Well, I am neither rich nor poor, but I desperately believe in romance.

I believe that romance is, more importantly, the attainment of something that we hold most dearly and precious to our own personal existence. We are romanced by fragrances, movies, actions, images, thoughts, etc. There is no distinct definition for romance, but the existential belief that it exists in a materialistic world.

Closest to my heart is the romance of love, belonging, etc. There are so many, yet so little, words to describe the realism of romance for me. Sunday picnics at the park, bike rides during sunset, candle lit dinners across a table just wide enough for fingers to touch. Those are just some of the many things (I cannot think of a better word than "things") that encapsulate the fantasy of romance.

Cuddling in bed, legs intertwined, skin touching skin, hairs brushing past each other. (Notice not the mention of sex.) Romance is the embrace of nothing but what is the most basic necessity of living. And that is to love and be loved in the most affectionate way.

I am getting goose bumps as I write this, but that just goes to show the power and depth of romance. People say that romance is dead. I say that they have not found what romances them, yet.

Monday, March 1, 2010

my legacy

The time-frame of life is so short and brief that we cannot begin to comprehend its apparent quality of being finite. We live life as if it is a Rolex watch that will never stop, but that is unfortunately not the case. However, what does live forever, or at least beyond the years after our deaths, is the legacy that we leave behind. Just as unfortunate, I have two legacies in which I get to decide on imparting on the cloak of history. A heterosexual or homosexual impression.

It would be easy to just call it a day and out myself, but that would make light of the whole situation. There are a myriad of effects that would stem from the cause of claiming my homosexuality as a dominant attribute of who I am.

In my perfect rendering of life and what it should include, I desire the four-bedroom house; a master bedroom, a room for each of our two children, and an office/library. A perfectly manicured lawn with blossoming hydrangea bushes. A his and hers luxury car combination, both Lexus RX's (mine in black and her's in white). Two beautiful children, a boy then a girl. No pets. Extra curricular activities that would give the president a run for his money. And lastly, eternal happiness.

A dream right? But isn't that what is aspired by most?

Or else, I can be gay. Live vicariously through older, burly men who are fatally attractive and exude sexiness all over. Never have children because I would take into consideration the ridicule and torment the life of such an offspring would endure. Succumb to the vanity and sexual rage of the homosexual that I have become (secretly). Spend my days on or scour the ads of Craigslist for the next conquest. Get passed around at bathhouses like a cheap whore. Etc., etc., etc.

I think ultimately, I want to find some quality in life that I can balance. I know that there will be a point where I will have to make a crucial decision that will decide the outcome of the rest of my life and predicate my legacy. That decision scares the living shit out of me. It makes me nauseous, sick, and absolutely desperate to get out of this whole involuntary experiment called life. My body is becoming unbearably uncomfortable as I write this and I want to just scream at the top of my lungs, to run away and make a decision that will not effect anyone, but me. Tears uncertain of where to fall, thoughts confused of where to go. Life is short; and inevitably, I will have to decide what will make me the happiest.

But what about those that have given me such a life?

In the movie, My Sister's Keeper, the young girl must decide whether to continue to live in the best interest of her dying sister or to be selfish with her own life. I feel that I too have make such an auspicious decision. To ensure the happiness of those who have brought me here, or to be selfish and ensure my happiness as an individual? There are no winners and losers, only people looking to make the most out of their short time here. The loser would be the one who makes the wrong decision and regrets his time on earth.