indescribable

It certainly has been some time since I have had, or made, time to blog. Over the past week or so, I have been so consumed in work with my new position and all (positive), but also, I have been reveling in my sexuality (negative).

About a week ago, I was perusing through Adam4Adam on my day off as I unfortunately do, I happened to recognize a familiar profile picture of which I have seen on other hooking-up sites. Nevertheless, I was at wits end and it was a very impressive picture. I finally initiated conversation and to make a long story short, I ended up having an afternoon hook-up with this athletic, muscular, tan, latin 42 year-old. He was slightly balding, but in the wizened, sexy way. He was muscular and tan from playing outdoor sports and getting dirty. He had a perfectly proportionate tool. We did the dirty and enjoyed each others' physiological attributes.

After such an endeavor, there is always the awkwardness of making conversation and feeling out whether or not to get the hell out or to stay and chat for a bit. Fortunately, he was a very personable human being and we chatted for a bit after.

He told me that he was once a proponent for the American Dream. The beautiful wife, three kids, a nice house, a cute dog, etc. But after ten years, he realized that he was still unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied with his condition. They eventually separated and now he is a closeted bisexual living vicariously through random hook-ups when ever he can get them.

It scares me the most to think that I am idly walking along that same path that he had been on. My current, ultimate desire is to have that same American Dream - a beautiful wife, two kids, a comfortable home, no pets, and a seemingly happy life. Because I have such uncontrolable feelings towards men, will I ever be able to reach such a peaceful nirvana? Or will I accumulate all of these trophies to realize later that it was all a waste and not what I was meant to have?

As a child of the first generation of Asian-Americans, I feel that it is my duty to live the life that my parents want for me because of what they had to sacrifice to get me here. I leave it up to my children to live the life that they want because everything has been set for them. But how long can I keep the show on? Is a lifetime long enough?